2011 in Review

Another year comes to a close and I can’t say that I’ll be sorry to see this one go. I know for many people it was one they would love to turn from and never look back on. Kind of like Lots wife looking back on Sodom and Gomorrah then turning into a pillar of salt but for me I’m thinking about it more in terms of Medusa. Maybe if I don’t look it straight in the eye I won’t turn to stone.  It had its ups and downs much like any other year but this one apparently had a lesson for me to learn. I got the message but I think it is in Greek and I am still unsure of the lesson. I may never know what the lesson was and I think I might be ok with that or at the very least come to terms with it.

This is the year that joblessness came for me. It didn’t just come for me it bitched slapped me upside of the head. Bastard. This has been a first for me. My first job was as a babysitter at the age of 11. My brother and I were also entrepreneurs growing up. We used to go crickin’ and catch crawfish so sell to our neighbor to give to his coon dogs during training. We also had a couple of rabbits and would sell their poop to people for their gardens. Oh yeah, we were slick. I baby sat all through high school then went to work at a camp during the summers. Once I got to college I worked two jobs while in school and worked at the camp in the summers. Then I became a nanny…well, you get the idea. I have always worked. Always.

I have now been out of work for 9 months. Which I have to tell you is totally sucktastic. It isn’t for the lack of trying to find another job. I have now sent out 33 resumes (give or take one or two). The continued lack of response from prospective employers is totally disheartening. This hard to explain but it is really hard on your self esteem. I have tried to explain it a couple of times and haven’t really done a good job. Losing your job (having it taken from you) and not being able to find another job right away just does something to you. I mean, do I smell? Did I offend? Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose? I have also tried to explain how I feel like I am just on vacation from my job. It is like I will be going back to work at anytime and I have been just playing. I know this feeling will go away once I have another job. I just kind of feel like I am in my own never ending Groundhog’s Day and am waiting to wake up to a different day.

My family also lost my cousin Eddie John this past month. It has been super hard on my Mom who is the youngest of 9 children and because of this has had to see a lot of her family go before her. My cousin, Nettie, (one of Eddie John’s girls) is getting “married” in a couple of weeks but when Eddie John was in the hospital and they knew it wouldn’t be much longer Nettie and her fiancée brought their priest to the hospital and got married in front of her dad. The doctors cut back a bit on his morphine so that he would be aware of the ceremony. He passed away a couple of days later.

Good parts of 2011 have been Virginia and this house. Being in a different place while I recover from the last 5 years (well, 3 really) has been unbelievably great. Getting to reconnect with old friends has been amazing. Angus and Ophelia have been pretty happy having me around all the time. Sitting on a porch swing reading a book and drinking lemonade is my kind of happy.

Maybe I should have gone to the store and gotten some good luck foods. Black Eyed Peas, Lentils, Cabbage, Doughnuts…I could use all the help I can get.

So, 2011, I wish you farewell. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

No Forwarding Address

According to Wikipedia, whychristmas.com, and several other websites the custom of sending the Christmas card was started my Sir Henry Cole in 1843. Sir Henry was a government worker in the UK who was interested in how the “common folk” could use the new “public post office.” He commissioned his artist friend John Horsley to design the card. The three panel card sold for 1 shilling each which is 5 pence today. One of Sir Henry’s first cards was auctioned off in 2001. He had sent it to his grandmother. It sold for 22,500 pounds. All this time I thought it was Hallmark that did the deed.

For the past several years, I have not sent out Christmas cards. I kind of thought it was a waste of time, money, and trees. It felt like a compulsory act that loomed over your head every year. There was this rush to beat others in the sending of the cards. It was now an obligation and not because you really wanted too. You were keeping greeting card relationships going with people that you hadn’t seen in years and many you didn’t even really like. Let’s not forget when you would send a card to everyone in your address book and only get 10 back from so called friends.  For a while, before I stopped I did “weed” out some of the recipients. Actually, every other year or so I would go through my address book and erase people that I hadn’t received a card from in years or hadn’t talked to in just as long.

This year for Christmas I live in a normal size house that allows me to decorate more than I have in 5 years. I pulled out all of my boxed up Christmas decorations and rummaged through them. In those boxes I found 10 different styles of Christmas cards that were left over from years past. So, since I currently have soooooo much time on my hands I decided to send out the cards with the prerequisite that I, one…actually like the person(s) and two…that I have spoken to them in the last year.

While perusing through my address book and deciding who made the cut and who didn’t (a naughty or nice list if you will) I came upon a couple of names that made my stomach flip and my heart kind of constrict. They were the names of friends and family who have passed away. People, who just because they had died didn’t mean I could erase them from my book. These people are ones that I actually would love to send a card too. Oh hell, I’d much rather talk to them or in certain cases belly up to a bar with them and drink a few drinks.  I miss the hell out them.

So, the cards to the living are sent. To my friends who aren’t here, I still think of you and I smile.

Write side of happy…where ever they are.

"Poverty is No Disgrace"

Truer words may never have been spoken…or written on a fortune from a fortune cookie. Believe it or not I actually got this fortune in September. The irony of this nugget of wisdom is not lost on me and the fact that I received it during my current state of joblessness adds a bit of a “do-do-do” weirdness to it. For many months I had/have struggled with the feeling of shame that I have felt with not having a job. By no means am I below the poverty level. I am lucky. I qualified for Unemployment and 4 weeks ago the funds were “exhausted”…which resulted in a minor freak out at Thanksgiving time. I then had to apply for Emergency Unemployment Benefits and was lucky enough to qualify; however, I went over three weeks with no money coming in. Scary…probably the most scared I have ever been or at the very least in a good long while. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to pay rent and would be homeless was heart stopping.

The definition of Poverty is: - The state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support; condition of being poor

Ok, ok…so maybe on some level I am at the poverty level since I very little money and other than unemployment I have no means of support. I am quite possibly one step away from Ramen noodles.

The definition of disgrace is - the loss of respect, honor, or esteem; ignominy; shame: the disgrace of criminal.  - A person, act, or thing that cause shame, reproach, or dishonor or is dishonorable or shameful. - The state of being out of favor; exclusion from favor, confidence, or trust: courtiers and ministers in disgrace.  

This one was a wee bit harder. With regards to my family and friends, in no way did I lose their respect or esteem. I certainly didn’t do anything to bring about dishonor to myself or my family name. However, on a personal level, the esteem with which I hold myself at times feels like I should be ashamed. When you are on the phone with the employees at the unemployment agency you feel like somehow this was your fault even though you know it isn’t. The last time I was on the phone with the agency the representative sounded like I was inconveniencing her and quite possible a bug she wanted to squish. She barely talked to me and when she did it was short and rude. While “talking” with me she was also making plans for the weekend with co-workers. Now let me say this, I KNOW not all unemployment employees are like that. You know what is kind of ironic though…if I and everyone else that is jobless and having to file for unemployment had a job THEY would be jobless. Maybe they should think about that. How would they feel?

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. I know that my family benefited from the WIC program and at one point we even qualified for food stamps. I even remember going to clinics to receive medical attention and childhood shots. I don’t ever remember feeling ashamed. I don’t know how my parents felt though because we never talked about it. My mom made it fun though. I remember she would let me count out the food stamps like monopoly money. I didn’t know any different. She also made having breakfast for dinner fun. I didn’t know it was because it was less expensive. I’m very thankful for my upbringing. I was a happy kid and I felt loved. I didn’t miss the extra things in life because we never had them and I turned out just fine. My parents instilled a very strong work and moral ethic in me. I have a healthy respect for money. So again, there is no disgrace in poverty. There really isn’t. Actually, I feel like I am living in a state of grace.

Things I have learned since becoming jobless:  It truly wasn’t my fault. There is no shame in it. You find out who your true friends are. It is ok to ask for help. You are not alone.

Writing to the right side of happy.