2011 in Review

Another year comes to a close and I can’t say that I’ll be sorry to see this one go. I know for many people it was one they would love to turn from and never look back on. Kind of like Lots wife looking back on Sodom and Gomorrah then turning into a pillar of salt but for me I’m thinking about it more in terms of Medusa. Maybe if I don’t look it straight in the eye I won’t turn to stone.  It had its ups and downs much like any other year but this one apparently had a lesson for me to learn. I got the message but I think it is in Greek and I am still unsure of the lesson. I may never know what the lesson was and I think I might be ok with that or at the very least come to terms with it.

This is the year that joblessness came for me. It didn’t just come for me it bitched slapped me upside of the head. Bastard. This has been a first for me. My first job was as a babysitter at the age of 11. My brother and I were also entrepreneurs growing up. We used to go crickin’ and catch crawfish so sell to our neighbor to give to his coon dogs during training. We also had a couple of rabbits and would sell their poop to people for their gardens. Oh yeah, we were slick. I baby sat all through high school then went to work at a camp during the summers. Once I got to college I worked two jobs while in school and worked at the camp in the summers. Then I became a nanny…well, you get the idea. I have always worked. Always.

I have now been out of work for 9 months. Which I have to tell you is totally sucktastic. It isn’t for the lack of trying to find another job. I have now sent out 33 resumes (give or take one or two). The continued lack of response from prospective employers is totally disheartening. This hard to explain but it is really hard on your self esteem. I have tried to explain it a couple of times and haven’t really done a good job. Losing your job (having it taken from you) and not being able to find another job right away just does something to you. I mean, do I smell? Did I offend? Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose? I have also tried to explain how I feel like I am just on vacation from my job. It is like I will be going back to work at anytime and I have been just playing. I know this feeling will go away once I have another job. I just kind of feel like I am in my own never ending Groundhog’s Day and am waiting to wake up to a different day.

My family also lost my cousin Eddie John this past month. It has been super hard on my Mom who is the youngest of 9 children and because of this has had to see a lot of her family go before her. My cousin, Nettie, (one of Eddie John’s girls) is getting “married” in a couple of weeks but when Eddie John was in the hospital and they knew it wouldn’t be much longer Nettie and her fiancée brought their priest to the hospital and got married in front of her dad. The doctors cut back a bit on his morphine so that he would be aware of the ceremony. He passed away a couple of days later.

Good parts of 2011 have been Virginia and this house. Being in a different place while I recover from the last 5 years (well, 3 really) has been unbelievably great. Getting to reconnect with old friends has been amazing. Angus and Ophelia have been pretty happy having me around all the time. Sitting on a porch swing reading a book and drinking lemonade is my kind of happy.

Maybe I should have gone to the store and gotten some good luck foods. Black Eyed Peas, Lentils, Cabbage, Doughnuts…I could use all the help I can get.

So, 2011, I wish you farewell. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Tea for an Elephant

Anyone that knows me even a wee bit knows that I heart Harry Potter…like a lot…like a lot a lot. J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series is now on my list of “go to” books. Also on that list are The Chronicles of Narnia, A Wrinkle in Time Series (or its proper name the “Time Quintet”), The Power of One, anything by Jane Austen, The Princess Bride, and a few others. See, I don’t mind rereading books that I love. It is like visiting an old friend. Books are a constant. The world that exists in them is always there when you pick them up. It’s one of the reasons I love the book The Neverending Story. I love the idea behind that. That the story still goes on after you close the book. You become the story within the story. That I can pick it back up and be flying on the back of Falkor fighting the Nothing. I am one of those quirky people that have read The Chronicles of Narnia in the order of publication and also in chronological order. I own three separate copies of those books. I’m such a dork.

When it comes to Harry Potter every time a new book was going to come out I would read the book before it leading up to the release of the new book. So that means, in theory, I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone seven times…um, yeah, in theory. In actuality, I read it many more times than that. For you see I also reread the books when each of the movies came out. Not to mention the times that it was a slow month for new book releases and I read them again. There is something so magical about those books.

When it came to the movies, of course, they will never be the same. I mean how could they be?  But you know what? I loved them. I think they are pretty awesome. Some were better than others but still I love them. The first one is my favorite and I know a LOT of people will disagree with me on that. Here is why. There is the great reveal of a whole new world, not just to Harry but to me too. It’s the first time Harry finds out he is different in a whole other way. He finds out about magic. Diagon Alley…just the way I pictured it. It’s all a wonder and still innocent. New friends are being made and they are the people who become his family…people who love him.

When I went to Edinburgh, Scotland in January of 2010, I went with a single purpose in mind. Ok, I went because it was part of my job but I knew exactly what I was going to do when I got there and I wasn’t interviewing college students. I was going to go The Elephant House café. It is one of the cafés that J. K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter in. In the back of the café there is a sitting room with a wall of windows. This room has an amazing view of Edinburgh Castle. I wanted to go sit, drink tea, eat a shortbread cookie the shape of an elephant, and write. Lucky for me, I got to do that. I went twice. The first time was with people from work who were also HUGE Harry Potter fans just like me. We even decided to assign characters from HP to ourselves and our co-workers back home…and that is all I am going to say about that activity. I managed to sneak back to the café later in the trip. Both times I got to drink tea (Darjeeling/Oolong), eat a most delicious elephant cookie, and look out at Edinburgh Castle. Dipping that Elephant cookie into my tea thinking maybe I should read the tea leaves at the end but why borrow trouble just in case I had the grim. I tried to picture myself as J.K. wondering if she ever would have imagined that she would go from unemployment to unimagined riches while sitting in that café. Magic. It is hard to explain the euphoria that existed for me at that moment even if it was the second time I had that feeling while in Scotland. A sense of rightness, of home, and déjà vu for it is a magical country.

So here I sit in Elkton, VA, drinking tea, eating a Walker’s shortbread cookie, and writing about J. K. Rowling…funny, right?

Write side of happy tonight.

“A Couple of Extra Bucks Could be Floating in Your Direction”

Bwahahahahahaha! Can’t. Breathe. Kind of funny that this is the fortune that got drawn out of the fortune bowl considering the last fortune that got pulled and I wrote about was “Poverty is No Disgrace.” This one, “A Couple of Extra Bucks Could be Floating in Your Direction is kind of a fun follow up. Oh, the irony and how funny. Let’s hope this one comes true. Ima gonna keep my fingers crossed.

A couple extra bucks would be lovely. I don’t need a million but I wouldn’t turn it down. I would be quite happy with enough to become debt free. I would be more than content with enough money so that I don’t have to panic if my unemployment benefits run out again. I would love to be able to have enough to pay off all my bills, pay my rent for the rest of my lease, have a comfortable amount in my savings account, have my truck brought up to all its required (recommended) maintenance and any other hidden gems that it needs to have done, and a trip to the dentist. Lasisk eye surgery would be righteous. The thought of not having to wear my glasses or worry about my contacts would be brilliant. I’d adopt. Like for real.

Do I need those things? No, but wouldn’t it be nice? It’s nice to dream. I can dream even bigger than that but it seems kind of selfish. The little bit of money that I have left over this week I am going to go to the grocery store and fill up a bag to take to my churches food bank. See, I realize that I may not have much but there are people out there are far worse off than me and that don’t have food. That could be me in the near future. And THAT point is mos’def’ NOT lost on me.

Floating…hmmmm. Will my bucks float on a lily pad in a pond, on a leaf down a lazy river, on a puddle of goodness, or on the wind? Oh, oh, I know on a fluffy cloud! Maybe there will be rainbows and unicorns. Floating on a hazy of sea of pot smoke? Just kidding people, I say no to drugs. I’m weird enough.

Seriously, how will I know that the bucks floating my way are meant for me? Will they have my name on them? Will they come in an envelope? Will I win something? Will they magically appear? Maybe I should play the lucky numbers on the back of this fortune. Do 19, 26, 6, 45, 42, and 36 sound lucky? I think I might have some spare change around. Maybe I will gather it all up and play those numbers this week.

Wait a minute. I just had a horrifying thought. What if this didn’t mean bucks as in moolah, dinero, scratch, Benjamin’s, bacon, bread, dough, clams, dead presidents, king’s ransom, or loot? BOOTY!!! I just really like saying booty. It sounds funny. What if this means bucks as in Bambi? That would suck. Gotta be careful what you wish for.

Writing myself to the right side of happy.

"Poverty is No Disgrace"

Truer words may never have been spoken…or written on a fortune from a fortune cookie. Believe it or not I actually got this fortune in September. The irony of this nugget of wisdom is not lost on me and the fact that I received it during my current state of joblessness adds a bit of a “do-do-do” weirdness to it. For many months I had/have struggled with the feeling of shame that I have felt with not having a job. By no means am I below the poverty level. I am lucky. I qualified for Unemployment and 4 weeks ago the funds were “exhausted”…which resulted in a minor freak out at Thanksgiving time. I then had to apply for Emergency Unemployment Benefits and was lucky enough to qualify; however, I went over three weeks with no money coming in. Scary…probably the most scared I have ever been or at the very least in a good long while. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to pay rent and would be homeless was heart stopping.

The definition of Poverty is: - The state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support; condition of being poor

Ok, ok…so maybe on some level I am at the poverty level since I very little money and other than unemployment I have no means of support. I am quite possibly one step away from Ramen noodles.

The definition of disgrace is - the loss of respect, honor, or esteem; ignominy; shame: the disgrace of criminal.  - A person, act, or thing that cause shame, reproach, or dishonor or is dishonorable or shameful. - The state of being out of favor; exclusion from favor, confidence, or trust: courtiers and ministers in disgrace.  

This one was a wee bit harder. With regards to my family and friends, in no way did I lose their respect or esteem. I certainly didn’t do anything to bring about dishonor to myself or my family name. However, on a personal level, the esteem with which I hold myself at times feels like I should be ashamed. When you are on the phone with the employees at the unemployment agency you feel like somehow this was your fault even though you know it isn’t. The last time I was on the phone with the agency the representative sounded like I was inconveniencing her and quite possible a bug she wanted to squish. She barely talked to me and when she did it was short and rude. While “talking” with me she was also making plans for the weekend with co-workers. Now let me say this, I KNOW not all unemployment employees are like that. You know what is kind of ironic though…if I and everyone else that is jobless and having to file for unemployment had a job THEY would be jobless. Maybe they should think about that. How would they feel?

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. I know that my family benefited from the WIC program and at one point we even qualified for food stamps. I even remember going to clinics to receive medical attention and childhood shots. I don’t ever remember feeling ashamed. I don’t know how my parents felt though because we never talked about it. My mom made it fun though. I remember she would let me count out the food stamps like monopoly money. I didn’t know any different. She also made having breakfast for dinner fun. I didn’t know it was because it was less expensive. I’m very thankful for my upbringing. I was a happy kid and I felt loved. I didn’t miss the extra things in life because we never had them and I turned out just fine. My parents instilled a very strong work and moral ethic in me. I have a healthy respect for money. So again, there is no disgrace in poverty. There really isn’t. Actually, I feel like I am living in a state of grace.

Things I have learned since becoming jobless:  It truly wasn’t my fault. There is no shame in it. You find out who your true friends are. It is ok to ask for help. You are not alone.

Writing to the right side of happy.

 

Songs about Rainbows

I love The Muppets. I grew up in a world filled with fuzzy, wide mouthed, protruding eyed Muppets. Sesame Street and The Muppets ruled the day. They pretty much were my childhood. The first Muppet TV show aired when I was 6 years old and continued until I was 11. Like a lot of kids I thought they were real and I am a better person for it.

Kermit was just the coolest. He was the reluctant hero (antihero if you will) and the main protagonist in The Muppets. Kermit is also the only Muppet to be prominently featured in both shows. I thought he was patient (not so much with Miss Piggy), kind, funny, handsome (for a frog), and had subtle wit.

Kermit was my hero. He was different and he owned it. He was green and that was just fine with him. He could have seen that has a hindrance but instead he saw the bright side of his greenness. I mean, you know that green is the color of spring and could be cool and friendly-like, right? He used his uniqueness to propel himself to stardom. He is an advocate for misfits. I mean if you don’t understand anything but this about The Muppets…they are a merry band of misfits. They are comrades in their misfitedness. They were the original Emo without the black attire and heavy eyeliner. Kermit is also a supporter of the “being and going green” movement. He has been involved with Earth Day and has been a spokesfrog for the Ford Hybrid. He was a tree hugger starting way back in his swamp days.

I saw the new Muppet movie today and I loved it. As expected, the tried and true Muppet cheesiness and whimsy was front and center. I liked the new songs and getting to hear a fresh version of “The Rainbow Connection”. I loved seeing the misfits overcome adversity. I enjoyed seeing the bully get schooled and learn his lesson even if he suffered a bump on the head. I may also now be a little in love with Jason Segel. He was one of the writers for the new movie and he was once quoted as saying “They’re not puppets. We never use the word puppet because Kermit is a frog, Piggy is a pig. They exist in the world, like we do.”

Life lessons I learned from Kermit the Frog and a The Muppets: 

1. It is ok to be different. You should embrace your uniqueness. It’s who you are and the people that matter will love you all the more for it.

2. You will accomplish so much more together as a group, be it friends or family, than you ever will on your own. Many important people have said. “We’re stronger together than we are on our own.” Who am I to argue with such stellar wisdom?

3. Look at your world with child like wonder.

4. Laugh.

Jim Henson once said “There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just met.” I think because of him there is a word for it and it is Muppet.

Landing on the write side of happy.

“Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today.” …in bed

I am one of “those” people. By “those” I mean when I go out to a Chinese restaurant or order out for Chinese I look forward to the end of the meal so I can snatch up my fortune cookie. I like the crinkle of the cellophane wrapper when you try to open it without breaking the cookie. I like snapping the cookie and eating it even if it is slightly stale. But most of all, by “those” I mean that I heart the fortune itself.

I look forward to smoothing it out and reading it. While partaking of Chinese food in a social setting with a group of friends, I and many others, like to add “in bed” to the end of fortune when reading the fortune out loud. This is actually a form of one-upmanship in its purest forms. Come on peeps, you know it is. You all sit through the whole meal hoping that the fortune you pick is the best one. You start to contemplate if you should invoke the “cookie closest to you”, “cookie farthest from you”, or the ever popular “mayhem cookie grab” strategy. Which one will reap the winner? OMG the pressure!!! Wait, what did I eat for dinner? A good example of this is a fortune I got a while back “To affirm is to make firm.”…in bed. Bwhahaha! I love that one. This ritual has forevermore earned its place in Pop Culture by making an appearance in an episode of “Beverly Hills, 90210” NOT “90210” but the original and still the best. Those precocious yet completely relatable teens partook of the fortune cookie “in bed” ritual.  

Then there is the often neglected “B-side” of the fortune. I have yet to play those lucky numbers. Maybe I should. It couldn’t hurt in my current state of joblessness but on the flip side that would mean parting with a dollar. Has anyone actually played those numbers? If they have, I wonder if they were really lucky. Now a days there is also the “Learn Chinese” section of the “B-side”. I dig this and have tried. I wonder if Rosetta Stone has a fortune cookie section.  

As we all know, 90 percent (I made up that percentage) of the time fortune cookies actually do NOT dispense fortunes. Probably one of my top ten pearls of fortune cookie wisdom is “Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today”. True story. This fortune sealed the deal for me. I thought to myself “Self, you like to keep your fortunes, right? Maybe you should help promote literacy by writing a blog about fortune cookies.” Then myself answered “Self that is genius idea.” So here I am writing a blog. There will be posts about other stuff too but I really like the idea of expounding on a fortune by really getting to the heart of it.

Am I really promoting literacy by buying a box of fortune cookies or am I really helping the cookie manufacturer? If a fortune cookie goes uneaten or unread is it truly lucky? A fortune cookie by another name is just a cookie but still good with chocolate ice cream.

LEARN CHINESE – East 东

On the continuing quest to write myself happy….



Landing on the Right Side of Happy

Like too many Americans I lost my job. “Lost my job”…what is that anyway? How does one “lose” a job? I didn’t misplace it. It isn’t like my sunglasses that I am forever looking for, swearing that I left them in a “safe place”. I didn’t let go of its hand and it wandered off. I didn’t make a losing bet with my job as the stakes. I didn’t go into the store, come out and forget where I parked it. So, actually…more clearly stated…I didn’t lose my job, it was taken from me. To quote my former employer “We are sorry but your position has been eliminated.” OH, BULLOCKS!

Like those other hundreds of thousands of jobless Americans I am struggling. I am struggling to hold onto my self-esteem, the roof over my head, the food on my table, my sanity, and my happiness which is teetering on the precipice of an abyss.

Self-esteem is a precarious thing. Who knew that it would take such a huge hit when my job was taken from me? I sure didn’t. I would have hugged it more and given it more positive feedback had I known. I would have given it a cookie, preferable one freshly out of the oven…all gooey and warm. I guess I kind of knew that I was proud of what I did. That feeling of pride, of a job well done, of being a productive member of the human race, of HAVING a job, was the key to my self-esteem. My identity was wrapped up with my job. Who am I now? “Oh, that is Kathi…she doesn’t have a job.” “How sad.” You feel like “who would want me?” I’m not good enough. I’m the stuff my cat Ophelia hacks up and leaves me as a pressie in the middle of my bed.

The roof over my head and the food on my table are now provided by Unemployment. Wow, I can’t even begin to describe the rollercoaster of feelings you go through when you have to apply for unemployment for the first time…like ever. I felt like a criminal…like gum…stuck to the underneath of a table. They don’t care that I have ALWAYS had a job. They don’t care that I never had been fired or laid off. I felt like I had done something horrible…like this was my fault. Which is complete and total bullpoop…I KNOW that…but it is how I feel.

My sanity…well, it comes and it goes.

Happiness is a fickle bitch. It can be fleeting. I am trying to teach myself that my happiness isn’t wrapped up in my job. It’s bigger than that. I’m happy my dog, Angus, is napping beside me right now and snoring. I’m unhappy because the Buffalo Bills have broken my heart yet again. I’m happy that I live in a house with a tub and that I have a place to live in general. I’m unhappy that I am hungry right now and don’t know what to cook myself. I’m happy that I have food. I’d be happier if I had those cookies I wrote about earlier. I’m happy that I am finally writing this blog.

So, I am going to write myself to the right side of happy.