Like those other hundreds of thousands of jobless Americans I am struggling. I am struggling to hold onto my self-esteem, the roof over my head, the food on my table, my sanity, and my happiness which is teetering on the precipice of an abyss.
Self-esteem is a precarious thing. Who knew that it would take such a huge hit when my job was taken from me? I sure didn’t. I would have hugged it more and given it more positive feedback had I known. I would have given it a cookie, preferable one freshly out of the oven…all gooey and warm. I guess I kind of knew that I was proud of what I did. That feeling of pride, of a job well done, of being a productive member of the human race, of HAVING a job, was the key to my self-esteem. My identity was wrapped up with my job. Who am I now? “Oh, that is Kathi…she doesn’t have a job.” “How sad.” You feel like “who would want me?” I’m not good enough. I’m the stuff my cat Ophelia hacks up and leaves me as a pressie in the middle of my bed.
The roof over my head and the food on my table are now provided by Unemployment. Wow, I can’t even begin to describe the rollercoaster of feelings you go through when you have to apply for unemployment for the first time…like ever. I felt like a criminal…like gum…stuck to the underneath of a table. They don’t care that I have ALWAYS had a job. They don’t care that I never had been fired or laid off. I felt like I had done something horrible…like this was my fault. Which is complete and total bullpoop…I KNOW that…but it is how I feel.
My sanity…well, it comes and it goes.
Happiness is a fickle bitch. It can be fleeting. I am trying to teach myself that my happiness isn’t wrapped up in my job. It’s bigger than that. I’m happy my dog, Angus, is napping beside me right now and snoring. I’m unhappy because the Buffalo Bills have broken my heart yet again. I’m happy that I live in a house with a tub and that I have a place to live in general. I’m unhappy that I am hungry right now and don’t know what to cook myself. I’m happy that I have food. I’d be happier if I had those cookies I wrote about earlier. I’m happy that I am finally writing this blog.
So, I am going to write myself to the right side of happy.